Archive for the Unique Encounters Category

How Come This Sh*t Never Happens to Me…

Posted in Bad Ass, Just for fun, Unique Encounters, Videos on August 31, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible

When I’m riding the subway?? DAMN.

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RE: “Your Friend and I?”

Posted in Cultural Education, Keeping it Real, Making fun of Dumbasses, Unique Encounters with tags , on July 31, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible

From: Analyzer69, North Bergen NJ

On: July 31st, 2010

Subject: Your Friend and I

Message:

I understand you are not interested. But I just figure I ask about your friend in the 4th pic. I think she is [as] attractive as you are. Is she single? Maybe you could introduce us?……..???????

*******

Reply

Re: Your Friend and I

Dear New Jersey,
Yes, I would even argue that she is more attractive than I…but alas, she is my little sister. As you can imagine, I’m very protective of her and thus, I cannot allow for introductions.

It just seems mildly scummy of you to ask. But I will forward her the compliment.

Have a lovely weekend,
Ash

*******

Only someone from New Jersey…[shaking my head]

So, I’m kind of a big deal

Posted in Cultural Education, Keeping it Real, Making fun of Dumbasses, Personal, Unique Encounters with tags , , , , , , on July 31, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible

No seriously. I’ve had this match.com account for just over a week, and I’ve had well over a thousand men view my profile, and easily over a hundred emails from the most daring. This whole experience…it’s like “fishing with dynamite,” to steal a phrase from my sister.

Even better, I’ve had some D-List celebrities contacting me as of late. This is too good for me not to share with you. They may or may not try to sue me, but whatever. I’ll take my chances and just leave names out.

D-list celebrity #1: We’ll call him Larry

Larry was an interesting, southern fellow. You can find him on FOX’s newest Top Chef ripoff, called “MasterChef” — which debuted on July 27th and is hosted/produced by Gordon Ramsay.

Unfortunately for him, Larry did not make the cut to have a first date with me. Why you are wondering?
1. He said he used to be an ultra Christian Conservative. And he was from the south. I know, I’m judging but…I’d rather stay away from that entire lot of people if I can, reformed or not. Call me crazy.

2. He’s on reality TV. I f*cking hate reality TV and everything it stands for. As well as FOX. I tried to watch the show when he told me he was a contender…it was pathetic.

3. The icing on the cake: he noticed my profile mentioned I was from CA, and shared with me that he recently visited LA and “fell in love with it.”

I purposely mention my CA origins on my profile for this very reason: it’s like my own litmus test.

Much like FOX, the South, and Christian Conservatives, I absolutely loathe the City of Los Angeles. It’s a disease, filled with fake titties, fake tans, and fake people living fake lives. And it takes a very specific kind of person to “fall in love” with LA.

Alas, I had to politely turn Larry down. Actually I’m not sure how polite I was, as I was very honest and replied to his email with the reasons above (perhaps worded a bit more delicately) for my not pursuing his company.

D-List Celebrity #2: We’ll call him Bob

Bob is a big time Wealth/Market Strategist who you can find on CNBC quite often, especially on their “Market Task Force” discussions.

Why did Bob not make the cut? His email mentioned a few things which bothered me (it was less about WHAT he mentioned and more about HOW he talked about it):

1. He’s on TV

2. He lives in Philly (but travels to NYC twice a week apparently)

3. He’s on TV.

4. He is in an “open” relationship with another woman.

5. He’s on TV.

The Final Cut: for laughs, I found one of his CNBC discussions online through Bing Videos, and, he is incredibly unattractive.

For your entertainment, I will post my email response to his, just before I blocked the poor bastard:

****

RE: TV guy for you?

Mr. [Bob’s last name],

1. Between your account user name, your profile, your dating headline, your email below, as well as the subject of this email, I think you may be overplaying the whole “Hey look at me I’m on TV” card. No? Maybe? Just a thought.

2. I’m looking for something serious, not someone already in another relationship, no matter how “open” it is.

3.You live in Philly.

Good luck with whatever it is you are searching for on match.com. However, you might consider Craigslist, as most of the people on this site are looking for love, not a good fuck while they’re traveling for work.  Again, just a thought.

Have a lovely weekend,
Ashley

********


Saturday June 19th 2010 (10am)

Posted in Cultural Education, Personal, Unique Encounters with tags , on June 22, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible

Scene: Noho Star restaurant (Lafayette and Bleeker)

Activity: drinking my English Breakfast tea and reading my new book Shantaram

Next to me: A 7 year old girl and her mother

Their conversation I couldn’t ignore:

Mom: “I woke up alone this morning and forgot that I was married. I forgot who I was married to.”

Little Girl: “And then you remembered?” (only partially listening — much more interested in playing with her french toast)

Mom: “Then I came downstairs and remembered.”

[10 minutes later]

Little Girl [showing her mom a cut on her arm]: “Is it supposed to look like this?”

Mom: “Stop that, it’s freaking me out.”

Poor kid. Is the mom so lonely and/or desperate to talk to someone that she’s confiding in her 7 year old? What else does she tell her? When her daughter is sick and has blood in her urine, does her mom say “stop that, it’s freaking me out”? The woman might have been borderline nuts, but was most definitely self centered and pathetic.

I fought back the urge to snatch the kid away from her, look at her cut and tell her everything is ok.

Craigslist posting that I actually responded to…

Posted in Family Time, Just for fun, Keeping it Real, Unique Encounters with tags on April 19, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible

Needed: Fake girlfriend for graduation dinner – m4w – 28 (West Village)
Date: 2010-04-12, 11:51PM EDT
Reply To This Post

In four weeks I will graduate from law school. An event at which my parents will (unfortunately) be present. The problem is that my somewhat overbearing mother lives in perpetual fear of dying without grandchildren. (This does not mean I wish to breed with you.) I contribute to my mother’s perpetual fear by remaining perpetually single. However, for graduation, an event that she has anticipated for years, I would love to give her the impression that there is hope for me yet. Plus, I am in desperate need of a buffer.

The plan is:

On Wednesday May 12th, you, an intelligent and reasonably personable young lady, will accompany me to my formal graduation dinner with my parents. The dinner is at ********, formal attire required. There will be an open bar (it’d be great if you know how to hold your liquor). All you have to do is make witty and pleasant conversation with my slightly insane but friendly folks, in which I will assist to the best of my abilities.

A little bit about me: I am a friendly young man who struggles with the fact that most people at law school kind of, in all honesty, suck. I’m heading off to work at the public defenders office in ***** at the end of the summer. Contrary to all positive impressions of the lawyering profession, doing something decent with your degree isn’t all that popular. Thus, there ain’t no good law school dates to be found. I’m capable of a good conversation on pretty much anything, but especially anything involving philosophy, comics, how the Catholic Church crushes the dreams of little deaf boys, or baseball (among other things).

There is obviously no expectation of anything other than your company for what ought to be a delightful evening.

Basically, I’m hoping this will be fun. We’ll get to pretend for an evening that we’re in some sort of awesome, auspicious relationship, and my folks will freakin love it. I get the benefit of a lovely and sociable buffer to make my evening more bearable, and you get a delicious dinner and an open bar plus the chance to dress up and be appreciated for it. There will be dancing (but I can only promise to dance moderately well). Then we’ll have a good laugh, maybe an extra drink or two, and call it an evening.

Send me an email if you’re interested.

Please, no crazies. (Dear god, no crazies.) This is a very legit offer and an important event, so it would be great if you didn’t OD in the bathroom. Cheers.

PostingID: 1689592186

How could I not respond? Poor kid, I felt so bad for him. Yet I was so IMPRESSED that he posted this…talk about keeping it real. Moreover, this is the most well-written posting on Craigslist I’ve ever had the pleasure of reading…

So I had to tell him.

Soon we will meet for coffee and see if we can come up with some elaborate story of how we met involving stolen cars, international intrigue, and unicorns.

You might be wondering “what is Ashley getting out of this?”

1. Dinner
2. Drinks
3. A chance to dress up and look pretty
4. The opportunity to snag a lawyer or two, or three…
(they’ll be like sitting ducks…unknowing…it’s almost too easy)
3. At least 2 or 3 blog posts

🙂

Piano Guy is the Shizzzzzz…

Posted in beautifully disturbing, Cool Music, Cultural Education, Just for fun, Unique Encounters with tags , on March 25, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible

Why didn’t I get someone cool like this on ChatRoulette? Instead I got a bunch of pervs. And where is the Tarot Card reader???

Sigh.

A Beautiful New York Moment…

Posted in Ruminations, Unique Encounters with tags , , on March 8, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible

Having worked at many restaurants, I discovered that in general, people detest eating dinner at the bar. Personally I don’t understand what there is NOT to like. Bartenders can be quite knowledgeable, and the people eating there are usually good-natured and interesting.

Last week a friend took me to Union Square Cafe. We sat in the bar area, which was gorgeous and elegant without being stuffy. Next to us was a friendly middle – aged couple who we started chatting with.

We ordered the Prime Rib for two, which was absolutely divine.

I repeat, ABSOLUTELY DIVINE.

We couldn’t help but notice our doe-eyed friends next to us, staring at our dinner. My friend leaned over and whispered “You know, if you’re really cool, you’ll put a piece on your bread plate and slide it over to them.”

The couple was both pleasantly surprised and ecstatic.

In my experience, this food sharing phenomenon seems limited to the bar areas of fine Manhattan restaurants. I can recall at least a handful of times that I’ve either been on the giving or receiving end of a food transaction with a perfect stranger, but not once while sitting at a table, and never outside of the City.

Why only at the bar? And why only New York?

I think the bar is a space much more conducive to striking up random conversation. You’re much closer in proximity to the people next to you (sometimes it’s downright intimate). Also, people eating at the bar are cooler by nature—otherwise they would have insisted on a table and then left after their tantrum when they realized none were available.

Maybe this is specific to New York because we have an unparalleled appreciation for fine cuisine? I’m not sure, but I’m open to your comments and speculations.

Either way, it’s an experience that always remains with me. Whenever I overhear someone ignorant saying New Yorkers are cold and I can feel “the Rage” taking over me, I think back to these pleasant encounters and immediately I am calmed.

🙂