Archive for the Personal Category

So, I’m kind of a big deal

Posted in Cultural Education, Keeping it Real, Making fun of Dumbasses, Personal, Unique Encounters with tags , , , , , , on July 31, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible

No seriously. I’ve had this match.com account for just over a week, and I’ve had well over a thousand men view my profile, and easily over a hundred emails from the most daring. This whole experience…it’s like “fishing with dynamite,” to steal a phrase from my sister.

Even better, I’ve had some D-List celebrities contacting me as of late. This is too good for me not to share with you. They may or may not try to sue me, but whatever. I’ll take my chances and just leave names out.

D-list celebrity #1: We’ll call him Larry

Larry was an interesting, southern fellow. You can find him on FOX’s newest Top Chef ripoff, called “MasterChef” — which debuted on July 27th and is hosted/produced by Gordon Ramsay.

Unfortunately for him, Larry did not make the cut to have a first date with me. Why you are wondering?
1. He said he used to be an ultra Christian Conservative. And he was from the south. I know, I’m judging but…I’d rather stay away from that entire lot of people if I can, reformed or not. Call me crazy.

2. He’s on reality TV. I f*cking hate reality TV and everything it stands for. As well as FOX. I tried to watch the show when he told me he was a contender…it was pathetic.

3. The icing on the cake: he noticed my profile mentioned I was from CA, and shared with me that he recently visited LA and “fell in love with it.”

I purposely mention my CA origins on my profile for this very reason: it’s like my own litmus test.

Much like FOX, the South, and Christian Conservatives, I absolutely loathe the City of Los Angeles. It’s a disease, filled with fake titties, fake tans, and fake people living fake lives. And it takes a very specific kind of person to “fall in love” with LA.

Alas, I had to politely turn Larry down. Actually I’m not sure how polite I was, as I was very honest and replied to his email with the reasons above (perhaps worded a bit more delicately) for my not pursuing his company.

D-List Celebrity #2: We’ll call him Bob

Bob is a big time Wealth/Market Strategist who you can find on CNBC quite often, especially on their “Market Task Force” discussions.

Why did Bob not make the cut? His email mentioned a few things which bothered me (it was less about WHAT he mentioned and more about HOW he talked about it):

1. He’s on TV

2. He lives in Philly (but travels to NYC twice a week apparently)

3. He’s on TV.

4. He is in an “open” relationship with another woman.

5. He’s on TV.

The Final Cut: for laughs, I found one of his CNBC discussions online through Bing Videos, and, he is incredibly unattractive.

For your entertainment, I will post my email response to his, just before I blocked the poor bastard:

****

RE: TV guy for you?

Mr. [Bob’s last name],

1. Between your account user name, your profile, your dating headline, your email below, as well as the subject of this email, I think you may be overplaying the whole “Hey look at me I’m on TV” card. No? Maybe? Just a thought.

2. I’m looking for something serious, not someone already in another relationship, no matter how “open” it is.

3.You live in Philly.

Good luck with whatever it is you are searching for on match.com. However, you might consider Craigslist, as most of the people on this site are looking for love, not a good fuck while they’re traveling for work.  Again, just a thought.

Have a lovely weekend,
Ashley

********


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Something I learned today:

Posted in Cultural Education, Keeping it Real, Personal, Ruminations with tags , , on July 27, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible

One key difference between a man and a boy:

the way he handles polite but honest rejection from a woman.

Poor Carrie

Posted in Just for fun, Keeping it Real, Making fun of Dumbasses, Personal, Sexy Time with tags , , , on July 26, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible

When family and friends ask me about New York City, what it’s like to live here and if I’m happy, I have nothing but wonderful things to say. It’s so BUSY, it’s so ALIVE, there’s so many people. It’s like a buffet of different cultures and ethnicities. And EVERYONE is a little bit crazy, and that’s ok. Most likely, that’s why we moved here — because we couldn’t be ourselves wherever we were, and so we came to the city to find ourselves. And most people are a little crazy.

I love my job, I love the area that I live in, and yes, I even love my little piece of shit apartment that on a GOOD week has hot water four days in a row. The only thing, the ONLY thing that has ever kept this place from being perfect in my eyes is the dating scene. It’s impossible. Too many people, too many crazy, jobless, scumbag stalkers. And, I work so many hours,  that any precious time wasted on someone whom I find out later to be a crazy jobless scumbag physically hurts me. It PHYSICALLY pains my heart to waste time on people because my time is so scarce and thus so precious to me.

Enter Match.com.
That’s right people. I said it. Go ahead and mock me. It’s ok, because I mocked it for the last YEAR that my sisters and close friends have been telling me to try it. Online dating has such a stigma attached to it, and I guess I can understand why. Years ago, before the huge social networking boom, online dating was sketchy. Only internet pervs hung out online looking for dates. And people who were too socially awkward to meet anyone elsewhere.

I’ve FOUND where the TALENT in NYC HIDES people. It’s ridiculous.

Now, before you go sign up, I must admit that it’s not cheap. I paid about $140 for a 6 month membership. So…ya. Hoping I’ll get that money back in the form of dinners and drinks. And, you have to be prepared to answer A LOT of questions, and intimate ones. It’s best to be honest, otherwise you’re wasting both your time and money.
I have my first date, with a nice Doctor gentleman, on Wed. And I may or may not be meeting someone else tonight for coffee. I don’t know, I don’t know if there’s enough time! HA

For some reason, I keep thinking of that dumb broad Carrie from Sex and the City. If only Match.com had come to power back in the 90’s, she wouldn’t have been all hung up on that Big *ssh*le (that’s what she said).

Sigh. This is awesome. I’ll keep you updated.

Posted in Personal, Sexy Time with tags , , , , on July 13, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible

I’ve decided to give up the diet of caffeine, cigarettes and junk food that I’ve maintained since college. Why? I’m only 24 but I’m not getting any younger, and while I still look great considering the above atrocities, I know that luxury (called young age and good genes) will not be enough come my late 20’s and early 30’s. Also, if Jennifer Aniston can look 30 when she’s 41, than so can I. And finally, I’m really sick of having to buy a Red Bull every time I need energy. Can’t be healthy, and it’s certainly not cheap.
So, to document my process and hopefully inspire you to lead a healthier life, I will utilize some of my blog posts to include what I ate that day and if I went to my yoga class. I wanted to go every day, but that is unrealistic, so to start, I’ll shoot for 3-4 times a week. Eventually, my goal will be to go 5-6 times a week.

Today’s Diet:

Breakfast: Egg whites (with american cheese…bad girl!) on whole wheat. Coffee.  (Grade: B)

Lunch: Sushi from Whole Foods (Salmon and Avocado roll with Brown Rice) and water. (Grade A+)

Dinner: Prob the same thing…I bought too much sushi 😦   Cept substitute water for coconut water (Grade A+)

Snacks: Fruit

Yoga?  Probably not, still a little sore from yesterday….

(Me in 17 years if all goes according to plan)

Saturday June 19th 2010 (10am)

Posted in Cultural Education, Personal, Unique Encounters with tags , on June 22, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible

Scene: Noho Star restaurant (Lafayette and Bleeker)

Activity: drinking my English Breakfast tea and reading my new book Shantaram

Next to me: A 7 year old girl and her mother

Their conversation I couldn’t ignore:

Mom: “I woke up alone this morning and forgot that I was married. I forgot who I was married to.”

Little Girl: “And then you remembered?” (only partially listening — much more interested in playing with her french toast)

Mom: “Then I came downstairs and remembered.”

[10 minutes later]

Little Girl [showing her mom a cut on her arm]: “Is it supposed to look like this?”

Mom: “Stop that, it’s freaking me out.”

Poor kid. Is the mom so lonely and/or desperate to talk to someone that she’s confiding in her 7 year old? What else does she tell her? When her daughter is sick and has blood in her urine, does her mom say “stop that, it’s freaking me out”? The woman might have been borderline nuts, but was most definitely self centered and pathetic.

I fought back the urge to snatch the kid away from her, look at her cut and tell her everything is ok.

About Spain

Posted in Personal, Reviews with tags , , , , , on June 11, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible

“Un mysterio de Espana” : (translation) A mystery of Spain

This seems to be the answer for everything over there. Everything. For example: why does the Spanish population generally live longer, healthier lives than Americans when:

*they smoke: before, during, and after their pregnancies. I saw babies in strollers in bars. Everywhere. All the time.

*they live on a diet consisting of sangria, potatoes, sausage, ham, meatballs, sausage, chorizo (another kind of sausage), fried cheese, the occasional fried vegetable, and did I mention sausage?

*they drink every day, and all night.

*Gyms are completely absent. I don’t even know if there is a word for “gym” in Spanish…at least not the gyms I’m thinking (Crunch, Bally’s, Equinox, etc).

I asked my sister this question. My sister who has been living and studying in Madrid for the last 4 months…

Don’t get me wrong. I embraced the diet. For a whole week.

I LIVED ON SPANISH SAUSAGE FOR A WEEK.

(That’s what she said)

I’ve never felt so tired and unhealthy in my life…as a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure I’ve shortened my life span by 3-5 years.

Let’s just say, the sausage diet got real old, real fast (that’s also what she said). Now, back in Manhattan, I’m typing this while ecstatically sipping on my fresh-pressed beverage of celery, spinach, kale, and beet juice. For lunch, I had quinoa, brussel sprouts, broccoli, sweet potatoes, and baked chicken.

I’ve just started to return to normalcy….

“Welcome to the Creative Department”

Posted in beautifully disturbing, Genius Advertising, Personal with tags , , , , , , on March 15, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible

“It’s like washing a pig. I’m serious. It’s exactly like washing a pig. It’s messy; it has no rules, no clear beginning, middle, or end; it’s kind of a pain in the ass, and when you’re done, you’re not sure if the pig is clean or even why you were washing a pig in the first place. Welcome to the creative department.”

Luke Sullivan–on the creative advertising process

From Hey Whipple, Squeeze This

http://www.adrants.com/2008/05/hey-whipple-squeeze-this-will-add.php