Archive for the Making fun of Dumbasses Category

Why The World Needs Copywriters…

Posted in Just for fun, Keeping it Real, Making fun of Dumbasses with tags , on August 30, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible

Hahahahahaha…


(Re-posted from: http://failblog.org/2010/08/17/epic-fail-photos-wording-fail-2-3/)

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RE: “Your Friend and I?”

Posted in Cultural Education, Keeping it Real, Making fun of Dumbasses, Unique Encounters with tags , on July 31, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible

From: Analyzer69, North Bergen NJ

On: July 31st, 2010

Subject: Your Friend and I

Message:

I understand you are not interested. But I just figure I ask about your friend in the 4th pic. I think she is [as] attractive as you are. Is she single? Maybe you could introduce us?……..???????

*******

Reply

Re: Your Friend and I

Dear New Jersey,
Yes, I would even argue that she is more attractive than I…but alas, she is my little sister. As you can imagine, I’m very protective of her and thus, I cannot allow for introductions.

It just seems mildly scummy of you to ask. But I will forward her the compliment.

Have a lovely weekend,
Ash

*******

Only someone from New Jersey…[shaking my head]

So, I’m kind of a big deal

Posted in Cultural Education, Keeping it Real, Making fun of Dumbasses, Personal, Unique Encounters with tags , , , , , , on July 31, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible

No seriously. I’ve had this match.com account for just over a week, and I’ve had well over a thousand men view my profile, and easily over a hundred emails from the most daring. This whole experience…it’s like “fishing with dynamite,” to steal a phrase from my sister.

Even better, I’ve had some D-List celebrities contacting me as of late. This is too good for me not to share with you. They may or may not try to sue me, but whatever. I’ll take my chances and just leave names out.

D-list celebrity #1: We’ll call him Larry

Larry was an interesting, southern fellow. You can find him on FOX’s newest Top Chef ripoff, called “MasterChef” — which debuted on July 27th and is hosted/produced by Gordon Ramsay.

Unfortunately for him, Larry did not make the cut to have a first date with me. Why you are wondering?
1. He said he used to be an ultra Christian Conservative. And he was from the south. I know, I’m judging but…I’d rather stay away from that entire lot of people if I can, reformed or not. Call me crazy.

2. He’s on reality TV. I f*cking hate reality TV and everything it stands for. As well as FOX. I tried to watch the show when he told me he was a contender…it was pathetic.

3. The icing on the cake: he noticed my profile mentioned I was from CA, and shared with me that he recently visited LA and “fell in love with it.”

I purposely mention my CA origins on my profile for this very reason: it’s like my own litmus test.

Much like FOX, the South, and Christian Conservatives, I absolutely loathe the City of Los Angeles. It’s a disease, filled with fake titties, fake tans, and fake people living fake lives. And it takes a very specific kind of person to “fall in love” with LA.

Alas, I had to politely turn Larry down. Actually I’m not sure how polite I was, as I was very honest and replied to his email with the reasons above (perhaps worded a bit more delicately) for my not pursuing his company.

D-List Celebrity #2: We’ll call him Bob

Bob is a big time Wealth/Market Strategist who you can find on CNBC quite often, especially on their “Market Task Force” discussions.

Why did Bob not make the cut? His email mentioned a few things which bothered me (it was less about WHAT he mentioned and more about HOW he talked about it):

1. He’s on TV

2. He lives in Philly (but travels to NYC twice a week apparently)

3. He’s on TV.

4. He is in an “open” relationship with another woman.

5. He’s on TV.

The Final Cut: for laughs, I found one of his CNBC discussions online through Bing Videos, and, he is incredibly unattractive.

For your entertainment, I will post my email response to his, just before I blocked the poor bastard:

****

RE: TV guy for you?

Mr. [Bob’s last name],

1. Between your account user name, your profile, your dating headline, your email below, as well as the subject of this email, I think you may be overplaying the whole “Hey look at me I’m on TV” card. No? Maybe? Just a thought.

2. I’m looking for something serious, not someone already in another relationship, no matter how “open” it is.

3.You live in Philly.

Good luck with whatever it is you are searching for on match.com. However, you might consider Craigslist, as most of the people on this site are looking for love, not a good fuck while they’re traveling for work.  Again, just a thought.

Have a lovely weekend,
Ashley

********


Poor Carrie

Posted in Just for fun, Keeping it Real, Making fun of Dumbasses, Personal, Sexy Time with tags , , , on July 26, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible

When family and friends ask me about New York City, what it’s like to live here and if I’m happy, I have nothing but wonderful things to say. It’s so BUSY, it’s so ALIVE, there’s so many people. It’s like a buffet of different cultures and ethnicities. And EVERYONE is a little bit crazy, and that’s ok. Most likely, that’s why we moved here — because we couldn’t be ourselves wherever we were, and so we came to the city to find ourselves. And most people are a little crazy.

I love my job, I love the area that I live in, and yes, I even love my little piece of shit apartment that on a GOOD week has hot water four days in a row. The only thing, the ONLY thing that has ever kept this place from being perfect in my eyes is the dating scene. It’s impossible. Too many people, too many crazy, jobless, scumbag stalkers. And, I work so many hours,  that any precious time wasted on someone whom I find out later to be a crazy jobless scumbag physically hurts me. It PHYSICALLY pains my heart to waste time on people because my time is so scarce and thus so precious to me.

Enter Match.com.
That’s right people. I said it. Go ahead and mock me. It’s ok, because I mocked it for the last YEAR that my sisters and close friends have been telling me to try it. Online dating has such a stigma attached to it, and I guess I can understand why. Years ago, before the huge social networking boom, online dating was sketchy. Only internet pervs hung out online looking for dates. And people who were too socially awkward to meet anyone elsewhere.

I’ve FOUND where the TALENT in NYC HIDES people. It’s ridiculous.

Now, before you go sign up, I must admit that it’s not cheap. I paid about $140 for a 6 month membership. So…ya. Hoping I’ll get that money back in the form of dinners and drinks. And, you have to be prepared to answer A LOT of questions, and intimate ones. It’s best to be honest, otherwise you’re wasting both your time and money.
I have my first date, with a nice Doctor gentleman, on Wed. And I may or may not be meeting someone else tonight for coffee. I don’t know, I don’t know if there’s enough time! HA

For some reason, I keep thinking of that dumb broad Carrie from Sex and the City. If only Match.com had come to power back in the 90’s, she wouldn’t have been all hung up on that Big *ssh*le (that’s what she said).

Sigh. This is awesome. I’ll keep you updated.

Missing Missy

Posted in Cat Haters Unite, Just for fun, Keeping it Real, Making fun of Dumbasses with tags , , , on July 7, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible

THIS POST IS DEDICATED TO THOSE OF YOU THAT SHARE MY LESS THAN FAVORABLE SENTIMENT TOWARDS CATS AND THEIR OWNERS….

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.20am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Poster

Hi
I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing
since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a
poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around
my suburb this afternoon.

Image

This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is
black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my
phone number.
Thanks Shan.

========================================================
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
That is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down when I read your email
and not half way up a ladder or tree. How are you holding up? I am
surprised you managed to attend work at all what with thinking about Missy
out there cold, frightened and alone… possibly lying on the side of the
road, her back legs squashed by a vehicle, calling out “Shannon, where are
you?”
Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I
will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate
the speedy return of Missy.
Regards, David.

========================================================
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.37am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Poster

yeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really worried about
mine. I have to leave at 1pm today.

========================================================
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.17am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
I never said I don’t like cats. Once, having been invited to a party, I
went clothes shopping beforehand and bought a pair of expensive G-Star
boots. They were two sizes too small but I wanted them so badly I figured
I could just wear them without socks and cut my toenails very short. As
the party was only a few blocks from my place, I decided to walk. After
the first block, I lost all feeling in my feet. Arriving at the party, I
stumbled into a guy named Steven, spilling Malibu & coke onto his white
Wham ‘Choose Life’ t-shirt, and he punched me. An hour or so after the
incident, Steven sat down in a chair already occupied by a cat. The
surprised cat clawed and snarled causing Steven to leap out of the chair,
slip on a rug and strike his forehead onto the corner of a speaker;
resulting in a two inch open gash. In its shock, the cat also defecated,
leaving Steven with a foul stain down the back of his beige cargo pants. I
liked that cat.
Attached poster as requested.
Regards, David.

Image

========================================================
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. it looks like a movie and
how come the photo of Missy is so small?

========================================================
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
It’s a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.
Regards, David.

========================================================
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.33am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional
over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny.
Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour
please. Thanks.

========================================================
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you
understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome
constructive criticism. I don’t come downstairs and tell you how to send
text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I am willing
to overlook this faux pas due to you no doubt being preoccupied with
thoughts of Missy attempting to make her way home across busy
intersections or being trapped in a drain as it slowly fills with water. I
spent three days down a well once but that was just for fun.
I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.
Regards, David.

Image

========================================================
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole
photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it?
I just want it to say Lost.

========================================================
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Image

========================================================
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.21am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost
and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not
like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it
was your cat I would help you. Thanks.

========================================================
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.32am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Awww

Dear Shannon,
I don’t have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend’s cat for a week
but after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of
kitty litter, I kept the cat in a closed cardboard box in the shed and
forgot about it. If I wanted to feed something and clean faeces, I
wouldn’t have put my mother in that home after her stroke. A week later,
when my friend came to collect his cat, I pretended that I was not home
and mailed the box to him. Apparently I failed to put enough stamps on the
package and he had to collect it from the post office and pay eighteen
dollars. He still goes on about that sometimes, people need to learn to
let go.
I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed
instructions.
Regards, David.

Image

========================================================
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.47am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Awww

Thats not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange.
I gave you a photo of my cat.

========================================================
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.58am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Awww

I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of
several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of
this. If anybody calls and says “I haven’t seen your orange cat but I did
find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you
want it?” you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian
bill.

I knew someone who had a basset hound that had its hind legs removed after
an accident and it had to walk around with one of those little buggies
with wheels. If it had been my dog I would have asked for all its legs to
be removed and replaced with wheels and had a remote control installed. I
could charge neighbourhood kids for rides and enter it in races. If I did
the same with a horse I could drive it to work. I would call it Steven.

Regards, David.

========================================================
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.07pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Please just use the photo I gave you.

========================================================
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.22pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Image

========================================================
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.34pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

I didnt say there was a reward. I dont have $2000 dollars. What did you
even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please
remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan.

========================================================
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.42pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Image

========================================================
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in
ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.

========================================================
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.56pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Image

========================================================
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1.03pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Fine. That will have to do.

_______________________________________________________________

Re-posted from: http://www.dingostew.com/phpBB3/lost-missy-the-cat-t829.html

A Broken Man…

Posted in Cultural Education, Making fun of Dumbasses with tags , , , , on June 27, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible

Married And Miserable…. – m4w – 35 (Financial District)


Date: 2010-06-23, 10:25PM EDT


I am living a nightmare, the nightmare called marriage. There is no way out for me only death.
She eats all day as I work. So she gained 75 lbs. Now we are beauty and the beast. I married the beast.
I am stuck in this situation and am so sorry that I did it. If I only listened to people who tried to stop me.
Now I go home each day to frankenstein.

I see hotties on the beach during the summer. I want to cry.
If you see a grown man crying on the beach, it is me. Don’t stare, just walk on by. The pain is so deep.

She snores all night as I fight for some peace. I sleep in the living room. I hear her get up in the middle of the night to eat once again.
Some day she will eat me. And eventually shit me out. I will be happy though as I flow down the sewer pipes into the bowles of hell where I belong.
I am a broken man who is miserable. Married and miserable.

  • it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1807921336

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/1807921336.html

A girlfriend of mine sent this to me last week, and after reading it I laughed so hard I was crying. I hope to goodness this is real, and not some random dude trying to get a sympathy lay for a fake issue, cause that’s not cool.

My advice to him:

1. Quit your b*tching. You deserve this for marrying a woman who would do that, and most likely there were signs foreshadowing this which you decided to ignore.

2. DIVORCE FRANKENSTEIN

3. Re-marry some young, sexy lil thing

4. Have your lawyer put together a pre-nup and have a clause stating that if she turns into Frankenstein before the age of 50, you’ll divorce her and she’ll get nothing.


My work here is done. NAMASTE.




“420 Vision”

Posted in Cultural Education, Making fun of Dumbasses with tags , , , , , , , , on May 28, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible

Generally, in my efforts to expand my vocabulary, I’ll select words I find interesting or useful from urbandictionary.com.  However, a dear friend of mine coined this term all on his own in a pure fit of creative inspiration, midwifed by our intense conversation. Turns out this term already exists on urbandictionary.com BUT I think our definition is better than theirs:

Our definition:

420 Vision: (noun) A very brief, insightful and intense moment of clarity despite being under the influence. A rare occurrence, but that’s what makes it such a beautiful experience.

Sentence: “Hey man, that taco place was closed and I didn’t know what you wanted for dinner, but then I had 42o vision and realized I could bring you back turtle food and you’d be stoked cause you’re st*ned as f*ck.”

Urban Dictionary’s definition:


420 vision
when your eyes get dilated after smoking, making it so you can see better at night..
Sentence: “Let’s go running in the woods.”
“Na dude, you’ll run into something.”
“Na dude, I’ve got 420 vision. I can see everything.”

The issue? Clearly whoever submitted this is a poser, pretending like they smoke pot. It doesn’t dilate your eyes. At all. Ever. The only drugs that induce pupil dilation [more properly called Mydriases] are serotonergic hallucinogens like LSD and mushrooms you idiot. If you’re gonna fake it, at least do your f*cking research.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mydriasis

Hmmm…I wonder if I can submit our far superior definition, and request this one be taken down on account of completely false information??