Archive for the Keeping it Real Category

Why The World Needs Copywriters…

Posted in Just for fun, Keeping it Real, Making fun of Dumbasses with tags , on August 30, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible

Hahahahahaha…


(Re-posted from: http://failblog.org/2010/08/17/epic-fail-photos-wording-fail-2-3/)

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My thoughts on Spiders…

Posted in A good compilation, beautifully disturbing, Just for fun, Keeping it Real on August 20, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible

I would like to express my thoughts, feelings, and innermost fears towards spiders in a series of cartoon pictures. Thanks.

When I see a Spider, I:

WORD b*tches.

[images reposted from hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com]

RE: “Your Friend and I?”

Posted in Cultural Education, Keeping it Real, Making fun of Dumbasses, Unique Encounters with tags , on July 31, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible

From: Analyzer69, North Bergen NJ

On: July 31st, 2010

Subject: Your Friend and I

Message:

I understand you are not interested. But I just figure I ask about your friend in the 4th pic. I think she is [as] attractive as you are. Is she single? Maybe you could introduce us?……..???????

*******

Reply

Re: Your Friend and I

Dear New Jersey,
Yes, I would even argue that she is more attractive than I…but alas, she is my little sister. As you can imagine, I’m very protective of her and thus, I cannot allow for introductions.

It just seems mildly scummy of you to ask. But I will forward her the compliment.

Have a lovely weekend,
Ash

*******

Only someone from New Jersey…[shaking my head]

So, I’m kind of a big deal

Posted in Cultural Education, Keeping it Real, Making fun of Dumbasses, Personal, Unique Encounters with tags , , , , , , on July 31, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible

No seriously. I’ve had this match.com account for just over a week, and I’ve had well over a thousand men view my profile, and easily over a hundred emails from the most daring. This whole experience…it’s like “fishing with dynamite,” to steal a phrase from my sister.

Even better, I’ve had some D-List celebrities contacting me as of late. This is too good for me not to share with you. They may or may not try to sue me, but whatever. I’ll take my chances and just leave names out.

D-list celebrity #1: We’ll call him Larry

Larry was an interesting, southern fellow. You can find him on FOX’s newest Top Chef ripoff, called “MasterChef” — which debuted on July 27th and is hosted/produced by Gordon Ramsay.

Unfortunately for him, Larry did not make the cut to have a first date with me. Why you are wondering?
1. He said he used to be an ultra Christian Conservative. And he was from the south. I know, I’m judging but…I’d rather stay away from that entire lot of people if I can, reformed or not. Call me crazy.

2. He’s on reality TV. I f*cking hate reality TV and everything it stands for. As well as FOX. I tried to watch the show when he told me he was a contender…it was pathetic.

3. The icing on the cake: he noticed my profile mentioned I was from CA, and shared with me that he recently visited LA and “fell in love with it.”

I purposely mention my CA origins on my profile for this very reason: it’s like my own litmus test.

Much like FOX, the South, and Christian Conservatives, I absolutely loathe the City of Los Angeles. It’s a disease, filled with fake titties, fake tans, and fake people living fake lives. And it takes a very specific kind of person to “fall in love” with LA.

Alas, I had to politely turn Larry down. Actually I’m not sure how polite I was, as I was very honest and replied to his email with the reasons above (perhaps worded a bit more delicately) for my not pursuing his company.

D-List Celebrity #2: We’ll call him Bob

Bob is a big time Wealth/Market Strategist who you can find on CNBC quite often, especially on their “Market Task Force” discussions.

Why did Bob not make the cut? His email mentioned a few things which bothered me (it was less about WHAT he mentioned and more about HOW he talked about it):

1. He’s on TV

2. He lives in Philly (but travels to NYC twice a week apparently)

3. He’s on TV.

4. He is in an “open” relationship with another woman.

5. He’s on TV.

The Final Cut: for laughs, I found one of his CNBC discussions online through Bing Videos, and, he is incredibly unattractive.

For your entertainment, I will post my email response to his, just before I blocked the poor bastard:

****

RE: TV guy for you?

Mr. [Bob’s last name],

1. Between your account user name, your profile, your dating headline, your email below, as well as the subject of this email, I think you may be overplaying the whole “Hey look at me I’m on TV” card. No? Maybe? Just a thought.

2. I’m looking for something serious, not someone already in another relationship, no matter how “open” it is.

3.You live in Philly.

Good luck with whatever it is you are searching for on match.com. However, you might consider Craigslist, as most of the people on this site are looking for love, not a good fuck while they’re traveling for work.  Again, just a thought.

Have a lovely weekend,
Ashley

********


Something I learned today:

Posted in Cultural Education, Keeping it Real, Personal, Ruminations with tags , , on July 27, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible

One key difference between a man and a boy:

the way he handles polite but honest rejection from a woman.

Poor Carrie

Posted in Just for fun, Keeping it Real, Making fun of Dumbasses, Personal, Sexy Time with tags , , , on July 26, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible

When family and friends ask me about New York City, what it’s like to live here and if I’m happy, I have nothing but wonderful things to say. It’s so BUSY, it’s so ALIVE, there’s so many people. It’s like a buffet of different cultures and ethnicities. And EVERYONE is a little bit crazy, and that’s ok. Most likely, that’s why we moved here — because we couldn’t be ourselves wherever we were, and so we came to the city to find ourselves. And most people are a little crazy.

I love my job, I love the area that I live in, and yes, I even love my little piece of shit apartment that on a GOOD week has hot water four days in a row. The only thing, the ONLY thing that has ever kept this place from being perfect in my eyes is the dating scene. It’s impossible. Too many people, too many crazy, jobless, scumbag stalkers. And, I work so many hours,  that any precious time wasted on someone whom I find out later to be a crazy jobless scumbag physically hurts me. It PHYSICALLY pains my heart to waste time on people because my time is so scarce and thus so precious to me.

Enter Match.com.
That’s right people. I said it. Go ahead and mock me. It’s ok, because I mocked it for the last YEAR that my sisters and close friends have been telling me to try it. Online dating has such a stigma attached to it, and I guess I can understand why. Years ago, before the huge social networking boom, online dating was sketchy. Only internet pervs hung out online looking for dates. And people who were too socially awkward to meet anyone elsewhere.

I’ve FOUND where the TALENT in NYC HIDES people. It’s ridiculous.

Now, before you go sign up, I must admit that it’s not cheap. I paid about $140 for a 6 month membership. So…ya. Hoping I’ll get that money back in the form of dinners and drinks. And, you have to be prepared to answer A LOT of questions, and intimate ones. It’s best to be honest, otherwise you’re wasting both your time and money.
I have my first date, with a nice Doctor gentleman, on Wed. And I may or may not be meeting someone else tonight for coffee. I don’t know, I don’t know if there’s enough time! HA

For some reason, I keep thinking of that dumb broad Carrie from Sex and the City. If only Match.com had come to power back in the 90’s, she wouldn’t have been all hung up on that Big *ssh*le (that’s what she said).

Sigh. This is awesome. I’ll keep you updated.

The Only Cat I’ve Ever Loved

Posted in Keeping it Real with tags , on July 8, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible

I just got to work, only to find an email from my boss saying that our clients picked this morning for a surprise visit to the agency. A meet and greet.

I looked down, only to realize I’m wearing ripped jeans, thong sandals, and a bright pink Hello-Kitty tee-shirt.

New to the industry, I quickly replied back to brief her on my situation. Laughing, she said I was fine for a meet-n-greet and there was no need to duck underneath my desk.

In the corporate business world, only in advertising is it perfectly acceptable to meet your client wearing Hello Kitty (when the client is NOT Hello Kitty).

I am such a G.

(Katy Perry wears Hello Kitty…I’m just sayin.)