Archive for the Cultural Education Category

RE: “Your Friend and I?”

Posted in Cultural Education, Keeping it Real, Making fun of Dumbasses, Unique Encounters with tags , on July 31, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible

From: Analyzer69, North Bergen NJ

On: July 31st, 2010

Subject: Your Friend and I

Message:

I understand you are not interested. But I just figure I ask about your friend in the 4th pic. I think she is [as] attractive as you are. Is she single? Maybe you could introduce us?……..???????

*******

Reply

Re: Your Friend and I

Dear New Jersey,
Yes, I would even argue that she is more attractive than I…but alas, she is my little sister. As you can imagine, I’m very protective of her and thus, I cannot allow for introductions.

It just seems mildly scummy of you to ask. But I will forward her the compliment.

Have a lovely weekend,
Ash

*******

Only someone from New Jersey…[shaking my head]

Advertisements

So, I’m kind of a big deal

Posted in Cultural Education, Keeping it Real, Making fun of Dumbasses, Personal, Unique Encounters with tags , , , , , , on July 31, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible

No seriously. I’ve had this match.com account for just over a week, and I’ve had well over a thousand men view my profile, and easily over a hundred emails from the most daring. This whole experience…it’s like “fishing with dynamite,” to steal a phrase from my sister.

Even better, I’ve had some D-List celebrities contacting me as of late. This is too good for me not to share with you. They may or may not try to sue me, but whatever. I’ll take my chances and just leave names out.

D-list celebrity #1: We’ll call him Larry

Larry was an interesting, southern fellow. You can find him on FOX’s newest Top Chef ripoff, called “MasterChef” — which debuted on July 27th and is hosted/produced by Gordon Ramsay.

Unfortunately for him, Larry did not make the cut to have a first date with me. Why you are wondering?
1. He said he used to be an ultra Christian Conservative. And he was from the south. I know, I’m judging but…I’d rather stay away from that entire lot of people if I can, reformed or not. Call me crazy.

2. He’s on reality TV. I f*cking hate reality TV and everything it stands for. As well as FOX. I tried to watch the show when he told me he was a contender…it was pathetic.

3. The icing on the cake: he noticed my profile mentioned I was from CA, and shared with me that he recently visited LA and “fell in love with it.”

I purposely mention my CA origins on my profile for this very reason: it’s like my own litmus test.

Much like FOX, the South, and Christian Conservatives, I absolutely loathe the City of Los Angeles. It’s a disease, filled with fake titties, fake tans, and fake people living fake lives. And it takes a very specific kind of person to “fall in love” with LA.

Alas, I had to politely turn Larry down. Actually I’m not sure how polite I was, as I was very honest and replied to his email with the reasons above (perhaps worded a bit more delicately) for my not pursuing his company.

D-List Celebrity #2: We’ll call him Bob

Bob is a big time Wealth/Market Strategist who you can find on CNBC quite often, especially on their “Market Task Force” discussions.

Why did Bob not make the cut? His email mentioned a few things which bothered me (it was less about WHAT he mentioned and more about HOW he talked about it):

1. He’s on TV

2. He lives in Philly (but travels to NYC twice a week apparently)

3. He’s on TV.

4. He is in an “open” relationship with another woman.

5. He’s on TV.

The Final Cut: for laughs, I found one of his CNBC discussions online through Bing Videos, and, he is incredibly unattractive.

For your entertainment, I will post my email response to his, just before I blocked the poor bastard:

****

RE: TV guy for you?

Mr. [Bob’s last name],

1. Between your account user name, your profile, your dating headline, your email below, as well as the subject of this email, I think you may be overplaying the whole “Hey look at me I’m on TV” card. No? Maybe? Just a thought.

2. I’m looking for something serious, not someone already in another relationship, no matter how “open” it is.

3.You live in Philly.

Good luck with whatever it is you are searching for on match.com. However, you might consider Craigslist, as most of the people on this site are looking for love, not a good fuck while they’re traveling for work.  Again, just a thought.

Have a lovely weekend,
Ashley

********


“REDONK ZEDONK”

Posted in Bad Ass, Cultural Education with tags , , , on July 29, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible

Unfortunately I cannot take credit for that awesome title. Twas another, more talented and experienced writer in my agency.

Enjoy:

http://www.boston.com/news/science/articles/2010/07/29/rare_mix_of_donkey_zebra_born_in_ga_park/?p1=Upbox_links

Something I learned today:

Posted in Cultural Education, Keeping it Real, Personal, Ruminations with tags , , on July 27, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible

One key difference between a man and a boy:

the way he handles polite but honest rejection from a woman.

A Broken Man…

Posted in Cultural Education, Making fun of Dumbasses with tags , , , , on June 27, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible

Married And Miserable…. – m4w – 35 (Financial District)


Date: 2010-06-23, 10:25PM EDT


I am living a nightmare, the nightmare called marriage. There is no way out for me only death.
She eats all day as I work. So she gained 75 lbs. Now we are beauty and the beast. I married the beast.
I am stuck in this situation and am so sorry that I did it. If I only listened to people who tried to stop me.
Now I go home each day to frankenstein.

I see hotties on the beach during the summer. I want to cry.
If you see a grown man crying on the beach, it is me. Don’t stare, just walk on by. The pain is so deep.

She snores all night as I fight for some peace. I sleep in the living room. I hear her get up in the middle of the night to eat once again.
Some day she will eat me. And eventually shit me out. I will be happy though as I flow down the sewer pipes into the bowles of hell where I belong.
I am a broken man who is miserable. Married and miserable.

  • it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1807921336

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/1807921336.html

A girlfriend of mine sent this to me last week, and after reading it I laughed so hard I was crying. I hope to goodness this is real, and not some random dude trying to get a sympathy lay for a fake issue, cause that’s not cool.

My advice to him:

1. Quit your b*tching. You deserve this for marrying a woman who would do that, and most likely there were signs foreshadowing this which you decided to ignore.

2. DIVORCE FRANKENSTEIN

3. Re-marry some young, sexy lil thing

4. Have your lawyer put together a pre-nup and have a clause stating that if she turns into Frankenstein before the age of 50, you’ll divorce her and she’ll get nothing.


My work here is done. NAMASTE.




Saturday June 19th 2010 (10am)

Posted in Cultural Education, Personal, Unique Encounters with tags , on June 22, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible

Scene: Noho Star restaurant (Lafayette and Bleeker)

Activity: drinking my English Breakfast tea and reading my new book Shantaram

Next to me: A 7 year old girl and her mother

Their conversation I couldn’t ignore:

Mom: “I woke up alone this morning and forgot that I was married. I forgot who I was married to.”

Little Girl: “And then you remembered?” (only partially listening — much more interested in playing with her french toast)

Mom: “Then I came downstairs and remembered.”

[10 minutes later]

Little Girl [showing her mom a cut on her arm]: “Is it supposed to look like this?”

Mom: “Stop that, it’s freaking me out.”

Poor kid. Is the mom so lonely and/or desperate to talk to someone that she’s confiding in her 7 year old? What else does she tell her? When her daughter is sick and has blood in her urine, does her mom say “stop that, it’s freaking me out”? The woman might have been borderline nuts, but was most definitely self centered and pathetic.

I fought back the urge to snatch the kid away from her, look at her cut and tell her everything is ok.

But Besides Spanish Sausages…

Posted in Cultural Education, Just for fun, Reviews, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on June 11, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible

I did discover EuroPop in Spain, which turns out, is pretty cool. Here is my new favorite song (new to me, though it came out and was a huge hit apparently in Spain and France in 2007) by a band called “Lucky Twice”. Basically, they’re hott Swedish girls who only got lucky once, as this was their only hit.

http://www.luckytwice.com/site.asp

(PS I’m showing a clip from Final Fantasy where they use the song, as the music video isn’t avail in the states on YouTube)

PPS: I listen to this every morning while walking to work….it’s invigorating 🙂

PPPS: I received a particularly delightful comment from one of my blog followers on my last Spain post, in an attempt to answer the question: why do the Spanish live longer considering their unhealthy lifestyles? She said:

“My theory: Spaniards healthy (low) stress levels + unhealthy nutrition > American’s healthy nutrition – unhealthy (high) stress levels.

My Point = I’ll take Spanish Sausage over American power any day. (That’s what she said).”

hahahahahahahahaha

(Lucky Twice pictured below)