Archive for July, 2010

RE: “Your Friend and I?”

Posted in Cultural Education, Keeping it Real, Making fun of Dumbasses, Unique Encounters with tags , on July 31, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible

From: Analyzer69, North Bergen NJ

On: July 31st, 2010

Subject: Your Friend and I

Message:

I understand you are not interested. But I just figure I ask about your friend in the 4th pic. I think she is [as] attractive as you are. Is she single? Maybe you could introduce us?……..???????

*******

Reply

Re: Your Friend and I

Dear New Jersey,
Yes, I would even argue that she is more attractive than I…but alas, she is my little sister. As you can imagine, I’m very protective of her and thus, I cannot allow for introductions.

It just seems mildly scummy of you to ask. But I will forward her the compliment.

Have a lovely weekend,
Ash

*******

Only someone from New Jersey…[shaking my head]

So, I’m kind of a big deal

Posted in Cultural Education, Keeping it Real, Making fun of Dumbasses, Personal, Unique Encounters with tags , , , , , , on July 31, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible

No seriously. I’ve had this match.com account for just over a week, and I’ve had well over a thousand men view my profile, and easily over a hundred emails from the most daring. This whole experience…it’s like “fishing with dynamite,” to steal a phrase from my sister.

Even better, I’ve had some D-List celebrities contacting me as of late. This is too good for me not to share with you. They may or may not try to sue me, but whatever. I’ll take my chances and just leave names out.

D-list celebrity #1: We’ll call him Larry

Larry was an interesting, southern fellow. You can find him on FOX’s newest Top Chef ripoff, called “MasterChef” — which debuted on July 27th and is hosted/produced by Gordon Ramsay.

Unfortunately for him, Larry did not make the cut to have a first date with me. Why you are wondering?
1. He said he used to be an ultra Christian Conservative. And he was from the south. I know, I’m judging but…I’d rather stay away from that entire lot of people if I can, reformed or not. Call me crazy.

2. He’s on reality TV. I f*cking hate reality TV and everything it stands for. As well as FOX. I tried to watch the show when he told me he was a contender…it was pathetic.

3. The icing on the cake: he noticed my profile mentioned I was from CA, and shared with me that he recently visited LA and “fell in love with it.”

I purposely mention my CA origins on my profile for this very reason: it’s like my own litmus test.

Much like FOX, the South, and Christian Conservatives, I absolutely loathe the City of Los Angeles. It’s a disease, filled with fake titties, fake tans, and fake people living fake lives. And it takes a very specific kind of person to “fall in love” with LA.

Alas, I had to politely turn Larry down. Actually I’m not sure how polite I was, as I was very honest and replied to his email with the reasons above (perhaps worded a bit more delicately) for my not pursuing his company.

D-List Celebrity #2: We’ll call him Bob

Bob is a big time Wealth/Market Strategist who you can find on CNBC quite often, especially on their “Market Task Force” discussions.

Why did Bob not make the cut? His email mentioned a few things which bothered me (it was less about WHAT he mentioned and more about HOW he talked about it):

1. He’s on TV

2. He lives in Philly (but travels to NYC twice a week apparently)

3. He’s on TV.

4. He is in an “open” relationship with another woman.

5. He’s on TV.

The Final Cut: for laughs, I found one of his CNBC discussions online through Bing Videos, and, he is incredibly unattractive.

For your entertainment, I will post my email response to his, just before I blocked the poor bastard:

****

RE: TV guy for you?

Mr. [Bob’s last name],

1. Between your account user name, your profile, your dating headline, your email below, as well as the subject of this email, I think you may be overplaying the whole “Hey look at me I’m on TV” card. No? Maybe? Just a thought.

2. I’m looking for something serious, not someone already in another relationship, no matter how “open” it is.

3.You live in Philly.

Good luck with whatever it is you are searching for on match.com. However, you might consider Craigslist, as most of the people on this site are looking for love, not a good fuck while they’re traveling for work.  Again, just a thought.

Have a lovely weekend,
Ashley

********


Most recent email from the bossman

Posted in Uncategorized on July 29, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible

Sent to the entire team.

That’s right. Be jealous.

**********

wow, the irony…in speaking with mr [name removed for privacy..he’s a new team member] we’ve just realized he loves booze, loves whiskey, loves limes and loves ginger beer – which we all know are the makings of a world famous Mississippi Buck!!!
so weird.
please come celebrate this astounding feat of coincidence with [anon new guy] in the far far corner of our most northeastern parts.
thxs

*************

Love in the time of Heroin

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on July 29, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible

Seriously, I was laughing so hard when I listened to this girl’s (Juliet Wayne) story. I was snorting, and crying. At work.

You can skip the dude’s story. It doesn’t compare.

ENJOY. No seriously, this story will make your day. If you’re cool.

Juliet Wayne & Brad Lawrence: GrandSLAM Stories

(Fuck, I wish I knew how to do this so you can listen from my blog, and not from another website. Looking into this…)

*For those of you who don’t know what the moth is….it’s kind of the shit. Here’s is their “about” page:

http://www.themoth.org/about

“REDONK ZEDONK”

Posted in Bad Ass, Cultural Education with tags , , , on July 29, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible

Unfortunately I cannot take credit for that awesome title. Twas another, more talented and experienced writer in my agency.

Enjoy:

http://www.boston.com/news/science/articles/2010/07/29/rare_mix_of_donkey_zebra_born_in_ga_park/?p1=Upbox_links

Painful Honesty

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on July 29, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible
[From “Joe” to me]

hi

Hey, I’m pretty new to this internet dating thing, so please bear with me if I say something stupid. I do that pretty often. I make up for it by being a slightly above average player in kickball. Seriously, I was in a league.

I’m not sure what these initial emails are supposed to say, so I’ll just tell you a little about myself;

Generally, I’m pretty laid back and I really like to do/ try new things. I’m trying to make the most out of the summer- I’m trying new restaurants and bars, trying to travel more, golf, I started boxing again, I want to learn to cook, go fishing and eat crabs in Maryland, go to Lobsterfest in Maine, watch shows on my DVR list, and I’m running my first half marathon in September. If I accomplish 1/2 of my list, I’ll be happy.

In the past couple of years, I’ve switched careers from finance to law enforcement. I love it.

Enough about me. Hope to hear back from you.

-Joe

***********
[My response to Joe]

Hi Joe,

First, I would like to say I’m truly happy for you that you’ve switched to a career you love. It’s so important, as we spend the majority of our lives working (but it shouldn’t feel that way if you’re doing what you were meant to do).

That said, I’m afraid I have to say I am not interested. I can never, and will never, be with a man in law enforcement. Please don’t think that I don’t respect the profession, as that couldn’t be further from the truth.

My father has been in law enforcement his whole life (currently in Kabul, Afghanistan), and it has scarred me deeply. I’ve known for a long time now that I could never be with someone in this profession. It’s just too difficult and scary for me.

I’m  sorry.

I wish you the best of luck in your search.

Sincerely,
Ashley


Something I learned today:

Posted in Cultural Education, Keeping it Real, Personal, Ruminations with tags , , on July 27, 2010 by indomitablyirresistible

One key difference between a man and a boy:

the way he handles polite but honest rejection from a woman.