(Re-posted from: http://failblog.org/2010/08/17/epic-fail-photos-wording-fail-2-3/)

When I see a Spider, I:

WORD b*tches.

[images reposted from hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com]

This  humbles me every time I watch it…

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8-8-2010 4:55pm PDT

Subj: To the woman who sh!t in my car

We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you’ve ever been on, but I am willing to look past that.

I thought we had real chemistry sitting at the Rooster sharing a basket of wings while drinking the Coors Light. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you.

At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don’t feel bad. The package I sent you with the Pepto the next day and the note that said “First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me” was meant to be funny, not offensive.

I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle’s lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don’t think anyone wins 100% of the time. That’s why they call it “gambling”.  I’m the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand could have been better…like when you’re not sitting on a heated leather seat…

What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.

I await your call,

PS — If you sharted yourself on purpose to end the evening early…touche…

Posting ID: 1888017737

On: July 31st, 2010

Subject: Your Friend and I

Message:

I understand you are not interested. But I just figure I ask about your friend in the 4th pic. I think she is [as] attractive as you are. Is she single? Maybe you could introduce us?……..???????

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Reply

Re: Your Friend and I

Dear New Jersey,
Yes, I would even argue that she is more attractive than I…but alas, she is my little sister. As you can imagine, I’m very protective of her and thus, I cannot allow for introductions.

It just seems mildly scummy of you to ask. But I will forward her the compliment.

Have a lovely weekend,
Ash

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Only someone from New Jersey…[shaking my head]

Even better, I’ve had some D-List celebrities contacting me as of late. This is too good for me not to share with you. They may or may not try to sue me, but whatever. I’ll take my chances and just leave names out.

D-list celebrity #1: We’ll call him Larry

Larry was an interesting, southern fellow. You can find him on FOX’s newest Top Chef ripoff, called “MasterChef” — which debuted on July 27th and is hosted/produced by Gordon Ramsay.

Unfortunately for him, Larry did not make the cut to have a first date with me. Why you are wondering?
1. He said he used to be an ultra Christian Conservative. And he was from the south. I know, I’m judging but…I’d rather stay away from that entire lot of people if I can, reformed or not. Call me crazy.

2. He’s on reality TV. I f*cking hate reality TV and everything it stands for. As well as FOX. I tried to watch the show when he told me he was a contender…it was pathetic.

3. The icing on the cake: he noticed my profile mentioned I was from CA, and shared with me that he recently visited LA and “fell in love with it.”

I purposely mention my CA origins on my profile for this very reason: it’s like my own litmus test.

Much like FOX, the South, and Christian Conservatives, I absolutely loathe the City of Los Angeles. It’s a disease, filled with fake titties, fake tans, and fake people living fake lives. And it takes a very specific kind of person to “fall in love” with LA.

Alas, I had to politely turn Larry down. Actually I’m not sure how polite I was, as I was very honest and replied to his email with the reasons above (perhaps worded a bit more delicately) for my not pursuing his company.

D-List Celebrity #2: We’ll call him Bob

Bob is a big time Wealth/Market Strategist who you can find on CNBC quite often, especially on their “Market Task Force” discussions.

Why did Bob not make the cut? His email mentioned a few things which bothered me (it was less about WHAT he mentioned and more about HOW he talked about it):

1. He’s on TV

2. He lives in Philly (but travels to NYC twice a week apparently)

3. He’s on TV.

4. He is in an “open” relationship with another woman.

5. He’s on TV.

The Final Cut: for laughs, I found one of his CNBC discussions online through Bing Videos, and, he is incredibly unattractive.

For your entertainment, I will post my email response to his, just before I blocked the poor bastard:

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